


the sadly crying blue bird, fly far away, i’m crying because of the lies, it’s awful but I still live

by deobikyu



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Lee Hwitaek | Hui-centric, Short, being depressed, heyyy how yall doin, ig it might as well be bc, im back at it again, is this just gonna be a thing, no seriously its 3:04 am, self-projection, we stan venting in a healthy way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:54:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27774130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deobikyu/pseuds/deobikyu
Summary: he did it.aka idk man ig this is just a thing now but 👍👍 im depressed and the worst person ever so heres me writing hurt no comfort kike 4 days before my boys enlistment,,, im gna miss him sm :(( might write some pure ot9 fluff when it happens tbh 😓😓
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1
Collections: hui vents





	the sadly crying blue bird, fly far away, i’m crying because of the lies, it’s awful but I still live

**Author's Note:**

> woooooo have fun reading

he did it.  
he did it again- managed to be the worst fuck up, merely an inconvenience to everyone around him.  
he wasnt sure why he was even remotely shocked; his entire life hed been nothing but a burden to others anyways, thats why they always left, right? all because  
he did it.  
he always did, always managed to make them uncomfortable- whether on purpose or otherwise- it always happenrd and thats why he was where he is now.  
shut in his room, music blasting so loud he could hear a faint ringing in his ears from the pain as he sat there motionless, saying nothing, doing nothing, simply nothing.  
because he did it.  
because he always managed to be the worst friend ever. the worst person ever at this fucking point. of course every single time he finds someone, of course it has to fucking happen.  
this time it happened to be more… intimate than other times as hwitaek brought up bad memories from the past with the accidental aid of hongseok therefor triggering an anxiety attack for a friend of theirs. of course, it wasnt either of their faults- neither of the boys had an idea that the memories were even a thing- yet it was still his fault. how could it not have been?  
he did it.  
whether he knew it or not, he still did it, and he was still a terrible person for it. of course nobody ever stayed with him; its not like he deserved it anyways. fuck up after fuck up, mistake after mistake, lost friendhip after lost frienship-  
but he couldnt say he didnt deserve it. after everything he puts others through, the pain and annoyance and everything with nothing but kindness in return- he didnt deserve anything. for fucks sake- he didnt even deserve to be alive at this point.  
sweat made its way slowly down his body, the room hotter than originally anticipated, yet he couldnt bring himself to care- not when he had so much more to think about.  
he felt his lungs get tighter.  
he felt his head get lighter.  
he looked around- he didnt feel real.  
fucking derealization moment at the worst fucking time- he thought angirly to himself as he rapidly looked around, throwing objects and flipping through cabinets- evrything, anything to calm himself down.  
he did it.  
he did it again, managed to fuck up even more than he already had as he tripped over a table, knocking down glass and cringing as it shattered all over the floor.  
the noise ringed in his ears, bringing him back to reality in the worst way possible as he hissed at the feeling of warm blood trickle down his palm and arm.  
he did it.  
he sighed, tired and emotionless and so fucking empty as he sat in the small pile of shards.  
"uh- hwitaek? you good in there man?" he heard wooseok call from outside, practically able to see his worried doe eyes looking down at the door.  
"ah- im- im all good! i think the boys were thinking of making dinner soon, you should help them," hui responded, a shaky sigh he didnt know he was holding making its way out of his lungs.  
"mkay? see you then, hui!" wooseok walked off, his loud voice echoing through the dorm as he bickered about their food for the night.  
he did it, he lied.  
how could he not? he was nothing more than a mistake, a fuck up brought into this world against his own will and it wasnt like it was wooseoks issue to deal with.  
hwitaek sighed for the nth time that night; staring down at his blood-filled fists as he begins overthinking again-  
its all my fault. its all my fucking fault isnt it- everything, every motherfucking thing has all been my fault like the fucking blood laying in my hands right now. he fists his hands in his hair, paying no mind to the sharp sting it brings to his nerves nor how it fucks up his face and scalp.  
he pulls, hard, trying anything just to stop fucking thinking. anything to draw his mind away from the mess that is his life- from the fucking mistake that is his existence.  
he did it. he managed like always to draw it back to one point-  
he should never have been born.  
what else has he done but bring others down? but make others annoyed? but bring down the mood and make everyone uncomfortable?  
nothing. thats what.  
he wanted to scream- he wanted to yell so badly yet for once he didnt, forcing himself to keep it in so he woudnt bother the others more than he already was as he wheezed lowly into the hot air of the dorm, tears unable to form at the lack of feeling in his body except the feeling and dread and agony that never left.  
it was there like always, a feeling of pure sadness and discomfort that pulsed all the way from the pit of his stomach to the tips of his fingers as it practically drowned him in guilt.  
he did it.  
he finally got up, cleaning around the room as much as he hated to- hated the feeling of dried blood on his fingertips as he used the broom, hated the old eye bags that rested under his eyes from days without rest, hated the constant fatigue he felt as he finally finished turning around and making sure the room was fully clean before walking over and slumping onto his bed.  
however, the thing he hated the most was the knowledge that nobody would ever know. at least if he hadnt cleaned someone would check up on him, pat his head and make him feel loved and safe-  
but he didnt deserve it. didnt deserve any of it, nothing but a burden and a deadweight anyways as he felt a single wet tear roll down his cheek, staring at the blank wall until he felt nothing but it burning his eyes as he eventually was taken by slumber.  
he did it.  
he managed to hide his pains once again.

**Author's Note:**

> hey !!! just a reminder hui loves u !!! im sirry this is so sad and probably really bad i just have not been vibing and i needed 2 get it out :(( i just hope to feel better soon yknow yknow,, also hope ny favs and friends dont hate me as much as i hate myself (even thougg i highkey deserve it)  
> anywho see yall next time !! (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ


End file.
